How Do I Let Go?
by awkwardblacklesbian
Summary: How do I let go? How can I, when the very person I am trying to let go of is keeping me alive? So ingrained in my mind, body, and spirit that it is impossible to imagine myself living in their absence. (Post S9 Finale)
1. Chapter 1

_**Originally a take on how Callie feels. Now from both perspectives. I promise a happy ending. **_

_**Anyway, enjoy :). **_

_Words of affection wash over my ear as you bury your face in my neck, breathless from exertion. My lips graze your cheek and I taste the sweat on your pale skin, back glimmering under dim lighting, as it moves in sync with each backed thrust. Your toned body grinds against mine, seeking to bring us impossibly closer as I indulge in the sensation of your capable hand moving between my thighs, fingers pushing deeper and deeper into me. _

_"Arizona-" a whimper escapes slightly parted lips, pleasure building with each stroke, "please don't stop, baby. I- I'm coming..."_

_I could make love like this forever._

_The rush I experience when you are inside of me never gets old. I crave it every moment of every single day. I'm shamelessly addicted, and I smile to myself as we move together in perfect harmony. Those darkened blue eyes admire me lovingly, holding my gaze as I feel a familiar warmth wash over my body. A wave crashes through me signaling my peak, and I gasp for air..._

Swollen eyelids shoot open at the sound of my own voice screaming her name and I press the back of my hand to my mouth to try and stop the sob that follows. I'm still alone.

The sheets around me are drenched with sweat and I force myself to sit up, leaning back against the headboard to catch my breath. Sweat dampened hair sticks to my neck and I slowly adjust to the darkness of the room- our room. A small amount of sunlight reaches the bed through drawn drapes, revealing a photo album I had been putting together prior to the storm, one that held pictures of our small family.

I ghost my fingers over a photo of our dear Sofia. Enrapturing features resemble my own and I can't imagine what she is feeling right now. She doesn't understand much, but I know that she notices that we've- we've separated? ...taken a break? I realize that we never really decided. I'm still in shock. It's only been two weeks.

_"Don't get comfortable. I want you out as soon as the roads clear up. Get your shit together and go." I struggled to keep my voice low through clenched teeth, making my way to the bedroom. _

_"Calliope...please don't." Our daughter was now peacefully asleep in her crib, exhausted after our long night at the hospital. The weather had improved since then, but the patter of rain still echoed throughout the large space. "I'm sorry."_

_"Oh, you're sorry..?" my brain reeled at the inadequacy of that statement. "Please don't what, Arizona, don't be hurt? D-Don't be angry tha- that you just slept with another woman, a-a complete fucking stranger? O-or that no matter what I do, you will NEVER forgive me for the leg? I-I shouldn't be angry? I SAVED your life! Would you have rather died? Would that have made you happy?"_

_"I- I don't know..." _

_A bitter laugh bubbles in my throat, "of course you don't. Arizona... I really can't do this right now. Everything else- all that we went through- I could handle it. I could handle it because we were getting through it together. We were strong. YOU brought someone else into our relationship and that... Arizona, that is something I can't deal with."_

_Weary, tear-glossed blue eyes looked to the ceiling as you tried to hold it together and I took that time to exit the living room. The warmth of our bedroom no longer comforted me as I removed my clothes and slipped into bed. _

_When I woke up the next morning, I faintly remembered hearing drawers being pulled open the previous night, and as my eyes focused I saw your ring on the dresser. You were gone._

I still wear my ring. Each time I go to take it off, I can't. Despite the fact that it is a constant reminder of the betrayal, I put it on every day. I can still feel my stomach dropping precipitously, it's been repeatedly doing so every time I replay that moment...

_"Is that- is that Arizona's ring? Pinned to your scrub top... ?" _

_"Yea- oh- I mean it must be. We had a pyloric stenosis baby. It projectile vomited all over the place; I got soaked. Arizona was nice enough to lend me some scrubs." _

_As I watched foreign fingers unpin that ring from your scrub top, I felt bile rise in my throat. Those hands had touched your body- had explored the same beautiful skin that I'd proudly marked during heated moments, thankful that I was the only one allowed to worship every inch of you._

I swing my feet to the side of the bed and onto the cold wooden floorboards, feeling sick to my stomach and struggling to stand as I make my way to the shower. I need to wash her off of me. Arizona has invaded my senses, even in her absence and I want to painfully scrub her from my skin.

_I hate that I still crave your touch..._

Scalding water pours from the shower head, and I indulge in the burn - I actually prefer this pain - it distracts me from reality. How could I let this happen again? My eyes flutter shut and I reflect...

_I am a hundred percent certain that if I let you back in my life again you will hurt me again, so I don't want to see you. This isn't a ploy. I'm not pouting. I don't want you in my life. Get your crap out of my apartment._

Tears pour down my face and mix with the water. Usually radiant, caramel skin is now reddened from the amount of pressure with which I have scrubbed myself. I whimper in pain as the powerful stream continues to beat down on raw flesh.

_"You didn't lose anything — I did."_

_But I have. I have lost you. How do I let go? How can I, when the very person I am trying to let go of is keeping me alive? You are so ingrained in my mind, body, and spirit that it is impossible to imagine myself living in your absence._

The shrill sound of my alarm ringing from the bedroom pulls me from my thoughts. My skin is numb now - I love this feeling- it's one I hope to maintain. Today is the day.

Arizona is coming back to my- well- our apartment to pick up our daughter for the week. We have had very little contact at work and I have limited our conversations to brief phone calls mostly regarding Sofia.

I shut off the water and yank my towel down from a hook on the wall, quickly drying off before I pull a t-shirt and shorts over my still damp body. I amble to the kitchen to make breakfast for our daughter. She loves my homemade French toast.

_Just like her mother.. I had always loved cooking for Arizona, it was like my own special way of saying 'I love you'._

As I clatter pans around, I hear an adorable yawn come from Sofia's baby monitor. A loud knock suddenly breaks through the quiet apartment and my eyes glance at my phone. She's early. I leave the ingredients on the counter and do a once over of the living area before I unlock and open the door. Sad blue eyes greet mine and I immediately turn around, heading back to the kitchen to resume cooking.

I didn't really intend to have her inside, but I don't have the energy to protest. Arizona hesitantly lets herself in, closing the door behind her, before taking a seat at the bar.

"Um...that smells really good, Callio- Callie. I-I miss your French toast. Ya know, the hotel food doesn't really compare," a weak smile forms on her lips.

"You don't have to do that- pretend that we are on speaking terms. Actually, I'd prefer if you didn't."

"But, Callie, I want to be on speaking terms. I miss you...I miss my home."

My jaw visibly tensed, "Arizona, can you go get Sofia? You came early, so I hadn't gotten her ready yet," irritation laced my voice, "her breakfast is almost ready."

"Uh- yea- yea, sure. Sorry."

As I lightly dust two plates of French toast with powdered sugar, I see Arizona emerge with Sofia in her arms. A chubby hand was waving in the air, attempting to grab my attention."Mami! Mama is home!"

I inhale deeply, "I know Sof, and guess what? I made you guys' favorite breakfast!"

"Fw-Fwench toast..?

"Yup. Just for you."

"Mama g-get toast too?"

I glance up at Arizona who is staring down at the floor, "Y-yes, Sof, I made Mama some too. You guys can eat it together." I notice surprised blue eyes now looking at me, but I ignore them.

_Those eyes make me weak at the knees. I know that if I look into them, I will let my guard down and I am not willing to do that right now._

Arizona places Sofia in her high chair and I set down two small triangles of toast before moving to take a seat across from my wife.

"Are you not eating anything, Callie?"

"No, I don't really feel too well."

"Oh. Uh, D-did you want me to do anything?"

I stare blankly in her direction before running my hand through dark, wet curls, "Trust me, you've done enough already. I'll be fine."

Arizona's face visibly falls, but I force myself to maintain my stoicism. This is the woman I trusted with my heart. The woman I wanted and still want to share my life with. My mind flashes back to the happiest moment of my existence...

_"I take you, Calliope Torres, to be my wife..." _

_"Arizona Robbins, I choose you to be the one with whom I spend my life..."_

A tear pricks at the corner of my eyes and I turn my face away from the table, quickly wiping it away.

Aside from small talk between the two of us and Sofia, the meal was uncharacteristically quiet. Breakfast in our home was usually filled with laughter small acts of affection. I stood to clean the kitchen and watched as Arizona began to collect Sofia's things.

"Um...I'm staying at that hotel right across from the hospital, Room 104. Ya know, if you wanted to-"

"I'll pick her up next Saturday."

"Calliope..."

_I still love when my name falls from those lips. No one else is capable of making it sound so beautiful..._

I choose to ignore her completely, "Sofia, honey. Don't forget to give Mami a kiss before you go." Small legs stumble over to me and I pick up my little angel before placing small kisses all over her full cheeks. I put her back down, turn to face Arizona, and soberly gesture towards the door.

Arizona takes Sofia's hand, and I open the door for them. I wait until they are out in the hallway before offering up one last hug to my baby girl. I feel a familiar touch on my arm and jerk at the unexpected contact.

"Callie, please speak to me."

My eyes narrow and I pull my arm away, talking through clenched teeth, "You will not bring this up in front of our daughter, Arizona."

"Then stop doing this to us, please. Just give me five minutes."

I attempt to hold back a look of disgust. How could she insinuate that this is my doing? I bring my hand up to the door knob without acknowledging her request.

"Bye, Arizona." I look to the eyes that mirror my own, "I'll see you Saturday, Sofia."

"Bye bye, Mami." A tiny hand waved in my direction as Arizona slowly led them to the elevator, holding back tears.

"Bye bye, sweetie."

_I hate to admit that it tears me up inside to see you walk away. But, you did this to us. _

_Tell me... how do I let go?_


	2. Chapter 2

A/N: Oookay, so obviously I've decided to make this a full story. People overwhelmingly voted to NOT have a new love interest, and to have the story from both perspectives, so that is what you will get. It may seem like Arizona is on the crap end, but both of their faults will come to light, because even though she cheated... I still think there are unresolved things that Callie did too. **_  
_**

Shout out to **ecstasythrumusic **for being my beta. And, I want to thank everyone for their support and their reviews. I read every single one and I really want this to be something that y'all have a hand in.

Anyway, enjoy.

* * *

**_Rain fell steadily as I looked out the window of our vehicle, forehead pressed against the cold glass. I took a moment to glance in your direction only to be met with the side profile of tense, yet alluring features. You never fail to take my breath away. Each passing street light illuminated beautifully tanned hands, knuckles white from your tightened grip on the black leather steering wheel._**

**_"It meant nothing, Calliope. She meant absolutely nothing to me..."  
_**

**_Sofia remained fast asleep in the back seat, unaware of the unusually strained atmosphere before her. Seconds ticked by without a response from you, and the rumble of thunder sent periodic vibrations through my armrest. _**

**_A small chuckle finally broke the silence. "Okay. I mean...that should make me feel better, right?" your voice was uncharacteristically shaky. "So, what..? We waited for months, Arizona, months so that you would be comfortable with me even thinking about touching you, and today you decide to sleep with someone you just met and then say it means nothing? What kind of reaction are you looking for?" _**

**_"I'm not looking for a specific reaction, Calliope. I- I just felt like I should say that. Lauren was just a one ti-"_**

**_"Don't. Please, don't say her name around me, Arizona. She disgusts me. She knew you were married, and sh-" _**

**_"And she's leaving, Callie. She is leaving, and I need you to know that I will never see her or talk to her again, and that I don't want to. I just want us to work. I NEED us to work." _**

**_"Okay, and I need you to know that I'm not so sure if that is even what I want anymore..." _**

**_My eyes widened, mouth hanging open as I found myself at a loss for words. A sudden flash of lightening revealed the shocked expression upon my face, and we again fell into uncomfortable silence..._**

"Mama! Mama, wake up!" I feel a small hand patting me on the back repeatedly.

I turn over and see sunlight pouring in through the large hotel window, and my eyes slowly adjust to the brightness. Sofia is standing on the bed looking at me expectantly, and I now register than my alarm has been going off. I jolt up and look at the clock before sighing in relief. I still have plenty of time before my shift.

"Mama...we- we go down now?"

Sofia loves this hotel. She loves that we get to watch cartoons together all day, and that there is a seemingly never-ending breakfast buffet downstairs each and every morning. I'm glad that she is too young to understand that this is not just a fun mother-daughter vacation, and I laugh for the first time in awhile as she bounces up and down on the bed with excitement.

**_How could I have done this to us, to our family? I am supposed to be the good man in the storm. I was raised to be loyal, honest, and loving. I promised your father that I'd protect you with every fiber of my being, yet I've become the sole source of your pain..._**

"Yes, Sof. We are going downstairs. Give mama a couple of minutes, okay? We still need to wash up and put on some clothes first.

"Okay." Her large brown eyes remind me of Calliope's and I pull her in for a big hug before leaning down to retrieve my prosthetic, and get out of bed.

With the help of some music from "The Wiggles" we are ready in no time, and make our way to the elevator.

"Mami going to watch cartoons in the room wif us, Mama?" I look down at the little angel holding my hand, struggling to come up with an answer to her question.

"Uh- uhm no, Sofia, Mami will be working. But, we can still watch them tonight if you want."

She looks up at me with a small pout before her face again lights up, "tomorrow? Can mama come tomorrow?" She is clearly Callie and I's daughter, never one to give up without a fight.

"Sofia...I uh-" I can't tell her what is really happening, so I do the only thing that comes to mind, "y-yea, tomorrow. Mami will be here tomorrow to watch cartoons with us."

"Promise?"

"Yes, honey. I promise." My chest nearly explodes as I think about what I've just told her. My fingers run through loosely curled blonde hair and I try to think of how I am going to tell Calliope about her unexpected visit, especially since she is barely even speaking to me.

* * *

The smell of the hospital is refreshing in a way. It is one aspect of my life that has remained unchanged for the most part. There are still tiny humans that need to be saved, and for a few hours a day, they are my one and only focus.

Once Sofia and Zola are happily reunited in daycare, I decide to stop by the nearest coffee cart, and retrieve my daily dose of caffeine and sugar. The woman at the counter finishes taking my order and my brow ruffles at the unforeseen sound of my wife's distinct laughter coming from close by.

My suspicions are confirmed when I look over the barista's shoulder and see Calliope sitting at a small table with one of her favorite scrub nurses leaning in closely, presumably telling a humorous story. I don't know why this bothers me, but the hair on the back of my neck stands up, jealousy coursing through my veins. Callie and I would always have coffee together in the mornings, and the sight of her sitting with someone else is slightly disquieting. Without preparing anything to say, I quickly grab my overly sweetened mocha and head in their direction.

"Hey, Callie..." my eyes narrow as they drift over to the woman beside her, "Jenna."

"Good morning, Dr. Robbins!" she flips her long, chestnut hair as she cheerily greets me from behind square framed glasses, while my wife remains silent, looking down at her expensive wristwatch.

**_I remember the day I bought that for her. It was our anniversary..._**

I gesture to an open seat and place my cup on the table, "um, do you guys mind if I sit?"

"Actually, uh I think I should probably go. I have a surgery soon."

"I thought our surgery was in-" Callie raises a sculpted eyebrow in Jenna's direction, effectively stopping her from continuing. "Oh, um- actually, I think I'm going to head out and go look over some notes before the surgery if you don't mind, Dr. Torres."

"No, of course not. That's a great idea, Jenna." My wife moves to collect her things, but I gently place my hand on her shoulder, squeezing lightly.

"Callie...can you just sit with me for a couple of minutes?" Jenna awkwardly stands and offers up a small wave before scurrying off towards ortho.

"Why? You know I have nothing to say to you, unless it has to do with Sofia, right?"

"Yes, you've made that abundantly clear. I actually do need to talk to you about Sofia though. Could you please stay for coffee? That's all I ask."

She doesn't answer me verbally, but her relaxed body language lets me know that she isn't going to leave.

I laugh nervously before continuing, "so, um, what were you and Jenna talking about just now? I heard you guys laughing from the coffee cart." I casually take a drink of my coffee, which is still too hot for comfortable consumption, attempting to appear as if nothing is bothering me, "she seemed a bit more comfortable with you than usual..."

"Really, Arizona? That is what you wanted to say? Jenna and I are just friends. But, honestly, I don't think you even have the right to be concerned anymore."

"Well, as your wife I would say that it is always my right to be concerned, Calliope."

Darkened eyes glare up at me, and she again glances down at her watch, "are you going to tell me what you want, or am I free to leave?"

For Sofia's sake, I decide to shelve the issue for another time. I can feel my pulse quickening and before I can collect myself, I blurt out the news. "Sofia asked if you could come watch TV with us tomorrow at the hotel. I promised her you would." My words came out rushed, and I cringe slightly as I wait for her response.

"You what...? Arizona, I have absolutely no problem spending time with our daughter. But, I did not agree to that, nor did I agree to spend time with you in your hotel. I said that I wouldn't keep you from Sofia and you have my word, but now I think that you are taking it a little bit too far."

An irritated laugh falls from my lips, "dammit, Callie, this isn't about you or me! This is about our daughter. She doesn't need to know that her mothers are not on speaking terms, and it would really help if you would just think about that rather than yourself for a moment." I immediately realize my glaring mistake and quickly grab onto Callie's sleeve before she can stand.

"That's funny, Arizona, real funny. Because, maybe if you weren't only thinking about yourself during the storm, you would have been with your family rather than in an on call room with your pants around your ankl-"

"Calliope...stop. Now." The level of her voice was beginning to rise. I watched as tables around us started to take notice, tears of frustration threatening to spill from the corners of my eyes.

"No, Arizona. You weren't ashamed enough not to do it. I mean, you weren't even going to tell me that you fucked Dr. Boswell, were you? Were you, Arizona?

My teeth are now clenched tightly, and I attempt to keep my voice down, "of course I was. Calliope, please. Don't do this."

"Don't do what? Don't embarrass you?"

I faintly nod and lower my gaze to the hard grey surface in front of me, effectively hiding my reddened features.

"Wow... you cheat on your wife, and all you are worried about is the embarrassment. Lo dices en serio?" Callie quickly snatches up her coat before standing from the table, "you are self-centered, Arizona. All you care about is yourself. You know what though? I can't say that I am surprised, because I already knew that."

My eyes follow her as she storms down the hallway, narrowly avoiding a group of nurses gathered by the elevators, surely whispering about the fresh drama they just got to witness. I let my head fall into my hands, and take a deep, shaky breath before grabbing my coffee and slowly heading towards peds. Now, not only do I have to deal with my marriage falling apart, but I am almost certain that the entire hospital will know our business before the end of lunch.

* * *

**_Jackson looked up at me. Our patient was still on the operating table. "She is just one of those people, isn't she? One of those people that just make you feel like you are capable of anything? I just wish she could stick around for a little longer. I have not felt like this in a long time."_**

**_"Yea..."_**

I hadn't felt like that in a long time either. Lauren was just someone that made me feel capable, on top of the world. I'd had that feeling all my life, but after the crash, it was gone. I was no longer confident in myself, no longer unstoppable, irrepressible. Rather, I was someone worthy of pity, and in need of constant assistance.

Callie tried so hard to make me feel like more than just a patient, and our relationship was slowly improving, becoming more intimate not just physically. But, there were still underlying issues, still things that we both needed to get off of our chest, wrongdoings on both sides. I still hadn't even forgiven her for cutting off my leg...

So, when I met Dr. Boswell, it felt good because there was no pretense, no unresolved issues and feelings. She was looking at me on the surface, and she wanted to get closer to me in spite of my situation. But, obviously I let things go too far.

**_"You are allowed to lose a little bit of control..."_**

I let someone insignificant come between my marriage.

**_I've lost all control..._**

"Hey, boss!" I jump slightly as I see Karev coming towards me. I plaster a fake smile on my face, wiping my eyes discreetly. He looks at me questioningly, probably wondering why I am leaning against the file cabinet, seemingly deep in thought.

I laugh to myself as I take in his appearance. I swear this man never shaves, or does much in the grooming department, but I love him. Plus, he is an amazing peds surgeon.

"Hey, Alex. You know we have a uh- that patient consult in 30 minutes, right? Shaun was diagnosed with follicular dendritic cell sarcoma, and we needed to let his parents know about our course of action. It isn't common, so they are going to have a lot of questions."

"Yeah, I know boss. I've already read over his file." He awkwardly pauses before continuing, "so- uh- how are things, ya know, with Torres?"

My eyes squeeze shut, and I slowly turn to face him, "oh my God. Already?! You've heard, haven't you?" I know I vaguely told him the night of the storm but since Karev isn't one for small talk, I know something is up.

"Well, you guys are kind of the talk of the hospital now. How is Callie takin' things?"

"She isn't. She- she hates me."

"No she doesn't. Callie may not trust you anymore, but she could never hate you."

I visibly scoff at his statement, "that isn't much better, Alex. Trust is what a relationship is built on, and if she can't trust me, there is no way that we are ever going to make it."

He ponders for a second before responding, "Look...I told you this before, I am damaged goods or something. I've screwed up plenty of good relationships in my life, and you know what I regret the most? I regret not fighting to save them. I honestly don't care to get involved in anyone's drama, and I'm only going to say this once. Don't you dare give up on her, or your relationship. I don't need to know the back story, but what I do know is that you both need to sit down and duke it out, lay everything out on the table. True love like that won't come again." Alex frowns a bit before adding, "So...I guess what I'm trying to say is, don't let it slip away boss..."

Karev pats me on the shoulder and brushes past me, rummaging through a few patient files before stalking off as if nothing just happened. I wipe away another tear from my eye, and reach into the pocket of my lab coat to retrieve my phone. There is an alert and my eyes widen as I see that it is a text message from Calliope.

**Let me know when you will be getting off tomorrow. I plan to pick up Sofia from daycare after my shift and take her to dinner prior to coming over. -C**

My heart sinks as I reread the text, hoping that I possibly missed something. I still am not used to the formality, but I guess this is better than nothing. At least I won't have to break my promise to Sofia.

The sudden shriek of my pager almost causes me to drop my phone on the hard linoleum floor below. I shove it into my pocket and pull the offending device from my waistband.

"Perfect." I'm being paged to ortho...

* * *

A/N 2: Thinking there MAY be some very emotional (NOT angry) sex at some point later on. It won't be them making up though. But only if you guys are interested. (Think L Word, but not exactly, because that has already been done.) Let me know what you think, and hit me with any other ideas you have!

Thanks for reading


	3. Chapter 3

A/N: I want to thank** ecstasythrumusic **for being an amazing beta, and my girlfriend for putting up with my brainstorming sessions. I'd like to wrap this up before the season premiere, so there may be like 10 chapters or so. Let me know where you want it to go. Thank you guys for the amazing reviews thus far.

**Enjoy**

* * *

"What's going on over there, Dr. Robbins?" my gaze continued to follow the precise path of my scalpel as a chorus of high pitched beeping indicated that there was a problem elsewhere. Arizona stood to my left, atypically frozen with her skilled hands buried deep inside a 14 year old boy's abdominal cavity.

He'd come in about thirty minutes prior, a blood curdling scream ripping through the halls as we wheeled him through the hospital. He was suffering from multiple fractures and substantial internal bleeding after being hit by a vehicle while biking in his own neighborhood.

"There- There is another bleed somewhere. I- I can't find it. Shit, Calliope...I really can't find it."

I cringed slightly as she yet again used my full name, quickly brushing it off. Regardless of our differences, I couldn't watch her struggle like that, especially not at the expense of a patient. I stopped my work on the young boy's battered leg, moving to where I was right across from her.

"Arizona...hey, shh. Breathe." The thin material covering her mouth fluttered abnormally fast as she began to hyperventilate, "c'mon, you can do this. Just feel for it... you've done this a thousand times."

I would have been utterly shocked had this been before the crash. Arizona rarely ever lost her composure, but lately she'd needed more and more reassurance as if it were a confirmation of her abilities. It hurt to know that she was no longer that sometimes overly confident woman that I'd encountered years before.

Blood continued to pool around sea foam green latex gloves, the monitor still beeping as nurses waited for further instructions, "hey, guys, can you at least give her more suction!?"

I turned my attention back to my wife. "Arizona," blue eyes failed to meet mine. I said her name once again, this time more firmly, "Arizona, look at me."

Our gazes met, and I calmly continued, "feel for it. You aren't going to be able to see it with that much blood in the cavity. You've got this."

The few moments that it took felt like an eternity, but within seconds she'd found it, "I got it. I got it!" my lips formed a genuine smiled and I momentarily forgot about our problems. For that single moment it was like any other surgery we'd performed together in the past, but I instantly caught myself, happy that my mask had effectively hidden my expression.

The entire room exhaled audibly and the patient's stats began to slowly return to normal. I thought I saw cerulean eyes peering at me appreciatively, but chose to ignore them, returning to my workspace further down the operating table...

* * *

Four hours later I am standing in front of a large stainless steel water basin. Warm water runs over my fatigued hands, soothing achy joints as I scrub them thoroughly with soap. I've successfully completed countless long and difficult surgeries before, but this one seemed especially draining. The events of the last few weeks are clearly taking their toll, pulling every ounce of energy I have left from my body.

I open the door to exit the scrub room, and I am looking down at my buzzing cell phone when I almost trip over someone on the way out. The person's head is buried in their hands, hiding their face from my view.

"Oh... excuse me? You might want to find somewhere else to-" my eyes finally register the slightly messy blonde curls, and the dark blue scrubs identical to my own.

"I- I'm sorry. My leg was just- I needed to sit for a second."

I don't know if I should stop and help, or just let her sort things out on her own. The orthopedic surgeon in me wants to offer assistance, while the Torres blood coursing through my veins urges me to leave her there without as much as a second glance. I finally decide that I am going be cordial, and treat her like any other patient.

"What about your leg? Is there radiating or sharp pain? When did it start?" I rapidly rattle off all of the pertinent questions in an attempt to move this along as quickly as possible. She doesn't answer immediately, and I roll my eyes in frustration, preparing to kneel to the floor to begin my inspection. "Just...let me look at it."

"No!" Arizona responds in a harsh tone and I step back, slightly confused by her reaction. She raises her head from her hands, and I finally see that she has been crying heavily. "Callie...w-what is wrong with me?" her hands are in front of her face, as if she is thoroughly inspecting them for injuries.

I raise an eyebrow at her question, choosing to say the first thing that comes to my mind, "other than the fact that you're a cheater? Or..." I know it was a ridiculously low blow, but I can't say that she really showed any compassion after I found out about Lauren.

A pained expression shoots across her face, and she shakes her head slowly in disbelief. "You don't think I realize that I screwed up, Callie? Seriously though, thank you for that wonderful reminder, because for a second there I'd forgotten that I ruined our marriage," she is still speaking at a normal volume, but there is anger dripping from her voice.

I don't really know what to say to that. I love Arizona more than life itself, which makes things even worse. I am so infuriated by her betrayal that I can't even feel anything else. "And, you think that you should be rewarded for simply owning up to your actions? It doesn't quite work like that."

"You know you can leave if you want to. I'm not exactly in the mood to be criticized anymore right now. You already made sure to do that in front of the entire hospital earlier today."

I lower my gaze as guilt washes over me. I can't say that I regret how I feel at all, but that obviously wasn't the time or place to express those feelings. "At least let me help you up," I extend my arm for leverage.

Arizona hesitates a bit before grabbing my forearm, gingerly pulling herself up off of the floor and attempting to place the majority of her weight on her good leg. She whispers a barely audible thank you and tries to pull away, faltering in her steps, and I catch her.

_**She feels so good in my arms...**_

"Um...I'm gonna go get you a wheel chair. Hold onto this ledge. I'll be right back."

Normally, I would have just carried her to an on-call room and placed her in the bed, but the thought of even going near one now makes me physically ill.

_**"Apparently I lost you..." **_

_**The rumble of thunder could be heard all around, and the room remained eerily quiet as my words settled over us. Arizona was no longer mine. A few moments passed before I spoke again. **_

_**"Tell me what happened... I want to know exactly." **_

_**"What? Why?" **_

"_**Because I think I deserve to know."**_

_**"Fine, Callie... fine." She cleared her throat before continuing, "Lauren and I had just finished the surgery, and she asked me to show her to an on-call room so that she could be close if anything went wrong. So, I walked her over to one and um- as you could imagine...things obviously got out of hand..." I could tell that Arizona wanted me to fill in the blanks myself. **_

_**"No, I can't imagine. Tell me what actually happened. I've never cheated before, so this is all new to me." **_

_**Blue eyes rolled back in their sockets, a look of frustration showing on her face. "As I was hugging her goodbye, the lights went out, and she kis- no, we kissed. Um, and then I-I stopped her."**_

_**"So.."**_

_**"Let me finish, Calliope. I stopped her, and turned to leave but she said that it was okay for me to lose a little control sometimes, and I don't know what went through my head but the next thing I knew I had locked the door...a-and I-" **_

_**"And, you fucked her..." **_

_**"Yes..."**_

I quickly find a chair down the hall and roll it back to her location, attempting not to wretch at the thought of my wife's hands roaming another woman's body.

"Here."

"Thank you."

I make sure that she is settled in before I turn to leave.

"Hey, um, thank you for what you did during the surgery, Callio-"

"Callie..."

"Oh. Uh, okay sorry, Callie. I just couldn't have done it without you. Anyway, what I meant earlier was that... I don't know what is wrong with my confidence. I can't even seem to operate without doubting myself, and it is killing me inside."

"You will inevitably doubt yourself as a surgeon, Arizona, especially after what you've been through."

She appears somewhat put off by my intentionally generic answer, quickly clamming up as a result, "right. So, uh- I guess I'll just see you tomorrow when you bring Sofia back by?"

"Yup."

"Okay...well, see you later, Callie." Arizona turns her chair, slowly heading back to peds.

"Bye, Arizona."

I exhale heavily. It has been a rough day, and the harsh fluorescent lighting is suddenly more noticeable. I can feel a headache coming on, and I groan at the thought of operating with a pounding head. I pull my phone out of my pocket, scrolling through my contacts. I am definitely going to need a drink after work...

* * *

"What's with you and that nurse chick?"

"Who? Laura?" Cristina Yang was sitting to my left at the bar, knocking back her first of many tequilas for the night.

"Sure."

"Um, nothing. She's just someone to talk to I guess."

"Right..." I hear the skepticism in her voice, and it bothers me.

"Why do you even care?"

"Is that a serious question? Because, I'm always down for drama, that's why. You should know this by now. Plus, word on the street is that she is your rebound..."

"My what?! No- no, first off, I don't even think she is gay. Second, I'm married. I lift my hand up, allowing my wedding band to glimmer under the bar lighting, "see this...? Married."

"Married, huh? That didn't seem to stop roller girl. Although, I should probably think of a different name. She doesn't really even roll anymo-"

"Yang...stop." Ever since her and Owen broke up, Cristina has been more hostile than usual. I kind of didn't think that was even possible. But, we both needed a drink, and we weirdly understand one another.

"Fine. So, what's up with you two? I heard you guys had it out this morning. Some kinda...'lesbian throwdown' near the cafeteria."

"It was hardly a lesbian throwdown. She cheated and I let her know how I felt about it. I think that sums it up."

"So that's it? You don't wanna work on it?"

"I haven't thought that far yet, Cristina. I guess at some point we are going to have to talk it out. I'm just afraid that I will let her back in too easily, and she has shown me that I will most likely end up hurt again. I can't take anymore hurt. Plus, she is different now since the crash...we can't even communicate."

There was a moment of silence between the two of us. Yang threw back another shot of tequila, unfazed by the strong liquor.

"I know you'd probably like to think that you understand Callie, but you don't."

"Excuse me?"

"...I remember getting the bugs out of Arizona's leg, the screaming. I-I drank my own pee." I cringe slightly at the thought, listening intently as she continues, "Callie, that plane crash was enough to change anybody. And, I'm not saying that she is justified in her actions, but what I am saying is that maybe you should at least hear her out."

"I've already done that. We've talked about the crash, Cristina. Each and every time we do, she snaps on me about the leg. It is always about that damn leg. She even told me that I hadn't lost anything, Yang. I fuckin' lost Mark...I lost her...I lost everything." I throw back my own drink, shivering as it flows through me.

"But at the end of the day, you still weren't there, and it does no one any good if you act as if you were. Arizona will never get over the leg if you guys don't talk things out, and if you don't shut up and listen. We are surgeons for Christ sake, Callie. We are like gods. No surgeon wants to feel like they are incapable. She feels incapable, and she feels misunderstood."

"You know that I hate you...don't you?"

"It's only cuz' you know I'm right. Oh, and I hope you know you're paying for all of this."

"What? Why..?"

"For making me talk about your lady lovin' problems. I have my own shit to worry about..."

I laugh and signal to the bartender to keep em' coming. Cristina may not be the friendliest person out there, but at least she tells it like it is. And though I am far from ready to forgive Arizona, I think that I may be willing to listen...


	4. Chapter 4

_A/N: _Sorry to those that wanted Lauren to be in this story. I've never nope'd so hard in my life. I just can't stand her. But, I do mention her a bit, so maybe that will suffice. Sorry I took awhile to update. Anyway, enjoy. I look forward to your feedback.

**Oh, improvement is just around the corner, I promise. There will be a happy ending. **

Beta: **ecstasythrumusic** (Thank you!)

* * *

**_The walls were white ... extremely white, surprisingly spotless in fact. And for the first time, I began to notice how unforgiving the mattress below me was. Slightly dilated pupils returned to their original size, and I stared blankly into space as foreign lips feverishly worked their way down my broken body, blazing an unfamiliar path that left me feeling cold inside, dead even._**

Bile begins to rise in my throat, leaving a sour taste in my mouth and I force it back down with yet another tilt of my wine glass.

**_The initial excitement had quickly faded, and in that moment I finally realized that I'd completely lost myself._**

My eyes struggle to focus, and viscous red liquid spatters upon the carpet as my drink falls from my hand. I dizzily move towards the small hotel bathroom, falling to my knees in front of the toilet. Searing pain shoots through my leg, dulling the burning sensation of acidic stomach contents emphatically leaving my body.

**_"God, you're so beautiful..."_**

**_Forced affection settled painfully onto deaf ears, and I recall bluntly telling her to remain silent. I didn't care about Lauren. I didn't want her acting like she cared for me. She was supposed to simply serve her function, to make me feel desired, functional... like I was becoming myself again. But I walked out of that room feeling nothing but guilt._**

A light knock at the door pulls me from my dazed state. I wasn't expecting Callie for another couple of hours.

"Uh.. yes...?" I yell out from my perch on the cold tiled floor.

"Arizona, it's Callie. Open up. " Even though her voice is muffled, it sounds angelic. I spend every night thinking about that voice, and how she's always possessed the innate ability to comfort me with softly spoken words...

My hand reaches up to flush the toilet and I pull myself from the floor as quickly as possible given the soreness of my leg, splashing some water from the faucet onto my face before stumbling to the door.

I am greeted by her imposing profile. Dark, loose curls fall beautifully over her shoulder, accenting an amazing jawline and my mouth hangs open slightly. She turns, allowing her tired gaze to finally meet mine.

"Hey, Callie... c-could you maybe give me a second?" I pause, looking down and expecting to see a smaller version of the woman before me "uh, where is Sofia...?"

"Oh... Meredith asked if she could spend the night with Zola. And- well, ya know... Sofia chose to ditch us. I hope you don't mind." Brown eyes dart nervously, and I can tell there is something more to this, "also, I need to talk to you..."

I remain still, my reaction only showing in slightly raised eyebrows. She'd seemed so anxious to get away from me previously, practically begging to be left alone. I wonder what caused her to change her mind. Callie frowns at my lack of response, craning her neck to try and look into the hotel room.

"...is something wrong, Arizona?"

I glance over my shoulder at an open wine bottle and the stained carpet by the bed. "No, of course not. I just need to straighten a few things up, that's all." A tight smile appears on my face and I can feel that it doesn't quite reach my eyes.

"Arizona, open the door. You know I don't care what it looks like."

"I know, but-"

"Open the door."

Her soft skin brushes past mine as my gaze lowers to the floor, and I step aside without further protest.

"You've been drinking..."

"I just had a little bit," my slightly slurred speech reveals the truth.

"You're drunk, Arizona. Our daughter is supposed to be staying here with you, and you're drunk. What the hell were you thinking?"

"I would never drink around Sofia, Callie. I just had a few glasses of wine after work and some of it spilled. I wasn't expecting you to come so early."

My wife's eyes look as if they are searching for something in mine, searching for an explanation of sorts. Callie knows I would never put Sofia in danger, but she also knows that I rarely drink more than I can handle. The few recent occasions had been after particularly difficult days.

"Arizona, talk to me. What's really going on?"

"Nothing," my arms cross over my chest and I look away. I am deflecting.

"Oh, nothing? You nearly had a panic attack during a routine procedure, your leg is obviously getting worse, and you're drinking. You expect me to believe that nothing is wrong...? Arizona, I know you better than that."

My leg has been getting worse. Stress does that. Ever since that night, my leg throbs in pain. When Callie walked away from me in the cafeteria, I could barely even function for the rest of the day. The sensation is like a physical manifestation of how I feel inside. I am broken, lost, and ashamed...

"Dammit Callie, I just said nothing was wrong." Tears begin to prick the corners of my eyes, and I narrow them in a weak attempt to hold back the flood, to hide the sadness. My vision is soon obscured by my own tears. I feel a warm hand on my back, and am suddenly enveloped by her body as I let out a shaky breath.

**_I want to stay like this. I want to feel secure again, and I only feel that way when I'm in your arms. Please don't ever let go..."_**

"Hey, shh... it's okay, Arizona. Everything is okay."

"Everything is not okay. WE are not okay, Callie." My voice is suppressed by the worn leather of her jacket, and I bury my face further into the material as she holds on tight. The initial stiffness in her body is gone and she begins to relax into the impromptu embrace. I feel her lead us over to the bed, and we take a seat side-by-side.

"Talk to me."

I inhale deeply, indulging in the floral scent of her shampoo, before lifting my face from her body. I hate that I look so weak. I mean, I have never had a problem being vulnerable with Callie, but lately my vulnerability sickens me. I should tell her. I need to tell her about me feeling like I am losing my mind, the night sweats, the pain, and the flashbacks. I hate the flashbacks...

**_The smell of burning fuel permeated the air around me, and I could barely see through the canopy of persistent smoke surrounding the wreckage. My leg lay useless in front of me, stark white bone peeking through shredded, blood-stained flesh. As a surgeon, the sight itself was not unfamiliar, I'd seen legs twisted at unreasonable angles before. But I lay there in shock as I came to terms with the fact that I was now the one injured. I was the one screaming in agony as persistent insects burrowed themselves further and further into my open, puss-filled wound. If it weren't for Cristina, I'm positive I would have died from infection. _**

**_Cristina... she endured the sounds... the sounds of Lexie's body being ripped apart by ravenous wolves. Those sounds that were only heard briefly by my own ears as I repeatedly slipped in and out of consciousness. The sounds still haunt me. Just thinking about the crash causes my skin to crawl._**

"...Arizona. Are you okay?."

"What? ...Oh, I was j-just thinking."

"About?"

...but I can't tell her. Because if I tell her, I will be admitting that I have yet another problem that needs attention. It will be an admission of my instability.

"Nothing, Callie. Really, it's nothing."

"Arizona, you just said it yourself. Everything is not okay. I know you think I don't care, or that I won't understand, but I do. I genuinely want to know what you are feeling."

"You want to know what I feel?" she nods, "okay, I feel excruciating pain. I feel useless. I am a freakin' cripple..." I gesture towards my prosthetic, and look directly into her eyes, anger showing in my own. "You cut off my leg, and now I feel like I can't function properly. THAT is what's wrong. You want to try and tell me that you understand that?"

**_But it is so much deeper than that..._**

"That's not fair..." hurt flashes across her features and I internally scold myself for being the cause. This is clearly not how she expected the discussion to go, but my guilt is not enough to stop me from lashing out.

"How can you talk about fair, when you are the one that broke a promise? You sat there and held my hand. You made a promise to me. You lied. I think I should be the one feeling like this isn't fair."

"You know what, Arizona...? In our wedding vows, you also made a promise. Remember? You made a promise to be faithful, and you broke that promise to me. The difference between the two of us, is that I broke my promise to you out of LOVE. I broke my promise because the only alternative was losing the love of my life, and you can't seem to grasp that."

"Yes, I cheated. I don't know what I was thinking, and I hate myself for it. I've told you that over and over Calliope, even when you chose to push me away. But, you're right. I'm afraid I can't grasp the fact that my wife, the best orthopedic surgeon in the country, couldn't fix me. I can't understand how she is able to brag about performing miracles day in and day out but she couldn't even perform one for me. You gave up on me, Callie. You. gave. up." My voice cracks as I strain my vocal cords.

"Don't yell at me," she seems surprisingly calm but I notice the tremble in her voice and instantly know that I've crossed the line, "and, don't you dare challenge my effort. I did everything in my power to save your leg, Arizona. I cried myself to sleep every night, because I felt inadequate as a surgeon. I tossed and turned thinking about what I could do to fix you, to keep my promise. You seriously don't think I gave it my all?"

"No, I don't." That's a lie. I could never truly believe that my own wife would ever give up on me.

A tear skips down her flushed cheek before being wiped away quickly, "I came here believing that we could talk things out, but I don't think that was such a good idea anymore," she grabs her car keys out of her pocket, and stands from the bed, "I should have known it would all come back to the leg."

"Where are you going?"

"Home," she pauses for a second before looking over her shoulder, "maybe when you're ready, we can talk about what the real issue is, because you aren't yourself, Arizona. I know that for a fact."

_**I want to reach out, grab you, hold you close. I want to let you know that I need us to work, and to share my pain, because I find that it is becoming too great to handle alone. I'm dying inside and I need you to bring me back to life.**_

I stand as well, "yea, you should go. I think that would be best."

_**Please don't go...**_

"I will just pick up Sofia from daycare tomorrow, so don't worry about bringing her by."

My nod signals my agreement, and look on from behind her as she opens the door.

"Take care of yourself, Arizona."

_**"I love you, Calliope."**_

I remain silent, watching as she turns the corner down the hallway, forcing me to pull my eyes away from her retreating form. The lock clicks softly, and my hand lingers upon the wood as I replay what just happened in my head.

**_What the hell was I thinking?_**

I walk to the sink and soak a small towel in cool water before gingerly making my way back to the room and attempting to lower myself gently to the wine stained carpet. Another sharp pain unexpectedly shoots down my leg, causing me to crumble uselessly to the floor as I scream out in agony.

Sobs wrack my body as I dig my dull nails into the plush carpet around me. My vision slowly begins to fade, and I feel my eyes roll back into my head before everything goes black...

_**I was thinking I could mask my deterioration.**_

_**I was thinking that maybe if I blamed you, that you wouldn't notice my world collapsing around me. **_

_**But I can no longer hide, Calliope, because my suffering is now all-consuming.**_


	5. Chapter 5

AN: So I changed the nurse's name to Jenna (it was Laura). I don't know...it was too close to Lauren.

Oh, and I plan to finish this story before the premiere. Sorry for the delay but I have been ridiculously busy. I have another chapter pretty much ready, so hopefully that makes up for things.

Let me know your thoughts and ideas. Alright? Enjoy.

* * *

_**As a doctor you don't take breaks. Even when your world is shattering around you, you still have to put on your embroidered white coat, smile, and pretend that everything is perfectly fine. You continue picking up the pieces for your patients, reeling inside because you are unable to pick up the fragments of your own pitiful life.**_

_**Doctors don't get to choose to not save lives just because theirs is in shambles. They just have to keep it moving and pray that no one catches on...**_

Florescent lighting combined with the incessant buzz of the hospital further amplifies the pain pulsing through my head, the ibuprofen I took earlier refusing to kick in. The last time I felt this way was a result of too many canned strawberry margaritas during one of Arizona and I's famous 'ladies' nights'.

My eyes squint in an attempt to limit the amount of light that I am exposed to, wrinkles forming above my lowered brow. Another long drink of coffee allows me to at least savor the feeling of the thick, dark liquid burning as it passes through my system, the caffeine recharging my nearly depleted battery.

Restless nights seem to be the norm now, my body refusing to stop tossing and turning. It's like it knows something is off, unable to completely relax until the universe is right again, until Arizona is safe in my arms.

Even Sofia has realized that things aren't okay like we initially led her to believe. She used to ask me multiple times everyday where her Mama was, craning her little neck to try and look through the passenger side window for Arizona when I walked her to the car from daycare. Now she doesn't say a word, doesn't even look for her Mama.

It breaks my heart because I know she is suffering just as much as I am, the foundation of her life already showing hairline cracks.

I know that she will never get used to Arizona's absence, and neither will I. It's funny because my hand still searches for hers at night, my conscious jolting me awake as my fingers graze over the cold sheets she occupied just a few weeks ago. I actually find myself pacing around in the living room or flipping through countless TV channels just so that I can avoid the emptiness.

But her scent still lingers, only serving to remind me of that emptiness and of the good days when we'd wake up in our bed just knowing that we'd do so for the rest of our lives...

_**The sounds of the bustling city below echoed through our room on the fourth floor, eager sun rays coaxing me from my peaceful slumber. Arizona's warm body was next to mine, and I smiled when my bleary eyes were greeted by her strikingly blue ones. Soft, pink lips were curled into an adorable smile and I knew that she'd been watching me sleep, patiently waiting for me to rouse.**_

_**"Good morning Calliope," admiration laced her words.**_

_**"Mhgmmh, morning," she laughed at my mumbled response, my brain was never fully functional that early in the day.**_

_**Arizona brushed back sleep tousled locks with her hand, providing a better view of my face. The look she gave me caused my heart to swell... it was like I was the only beautiful thing in the world, the only thing worthy of her undivided attention.**_

_**"How long have you been watching me?"**_

_**She scooted closer before leaning in and kissing me softly, fingers lightly touching my cheek.**_

_**"Not long enough."**_

_**Her voice was a little scratchy in the mornings and it sent shivers throughout my body. I pulled her back in for another kiss, readily deepening it in an attempt to physically convey my promise to her, the promise represented by the large diamond on my finger. I was hers and she was mine.**_

_**She moaned against my lips as I positioned myself over her, basking in her presence, preparing to worship her entire body. In that moment I knew that even an eternity with her would never be sufficient...**_

A restrained sigh leaves coffee stained lips, my head falling into one hand while the other fidgets with the ring in the pocket of my scrub bottoms. Arizona left it the night of the storm and I've carried it with me ever since. I know it sounds silly but it makes me feel like I'm not alone, like the other half of me is still nearby.

_**I miss her.**_

Hell, who am I kidding? I've missed my wife ever since the crash. I tried so hard to pretend that things were normal after but deep inside both of us knew that they weren't. We were different people, our life together had been knocked off of its axis... hurled onto a new and unfamiliar path.

But even if things were going to be challenging, I wanted to keep telling myself that they would eventually work themselves out. Things change all the time, right?

Right. For a while they did seem to be working themselves out. We slowly started talking again, and were intimate fairly often. But then, I would sometimes catch Arizona just staring into space, a hollow expression on her face. Like... she was slowly withering away, and I got that feeling that this was a deep rooted issue in the pit of my stomach.

For some reason I just chose to ignore it...

"Dr. Torres!" someone yells from across the cafeteria and my body jerks slightly at the sudden interruption of my thoughts. I see an approaching figure in the corner of my eye but don't immediately respond. Their voice gets closer, becoming a whisper, "Dr. Torres... um, Callie... are you alright?"

I slowly lift my head, realizing that Jenna is standing right beside me with a tray in her hand. I smile despite my relentless headache. Honestly I am happy to have some sort of company. These days I feel like I have no one. Sure there's Sofia but she's not exactly someone I can vent to. And yea, there's the rest of the hospital family but I need someone to talk to that isn't equally invested in both Arizona and I.

Mark used to be that person. It's not like he wasn't close to the both of us but at the end of the day he was my friend...

He was my closest friend...

_**His hand lays there motionless as I grasped it tightly with my own. Mark's heart had stopped beating and I continued tracing my thumb over a small scar on his palm, replaying the moment his muscular chest rose for the very last time as he slipped away.**_

_**Tears stung bloodshot eyes and soaked through the white sheets that covered his lifeless form. The hospital bed shook along with my entire being which quaked from the sobs that wracked my body. My stubborn lungs refused to take in the air that Mark no longer had the privilege of breathing, desperate gasps filling the room.**_

_**I couldn't believe that he would never see Sofia again. He would never cheer on obnoxiously beside me as she crossed the stage for her Pre-K graduation dressed in the perfect little outfit.**_

_**Mark Thomas Sloan was gone and I sat there attempting to negotiate with God as if my skills at driving a hard bargain would ultimately convince Him to bring my friend back, turn back the hands of time.**_

_**I may not have been in that crash.**_

_**I may not have endured the torment after the plane went down.**_

_**But someone would be hard pressed to tell me that my loss wasn't as great as everyone else's. Or that the stabbing pain that shoots through my chest every day isn't real, that the agony I go through every second of my existence doesn't make me a goddamn survivor too...**_

The nurse standing next to me clears her throat loudly and my eyes snap up to meet hers.

"Jenna... hey." I remove my coat from the chair beside me, "uh... please, sit."

Lately she has been 'that' person. The one that allows me to call or text them anytime I need to vent. We even meet up occasionally at a local coffee shop to talk about our days and our frustrations.

It's nice to have someone.

"So... how did it go last night?" she unwraps her turkey sandwich, taking a large bite while I figure out a proper response to the question. Jenna already knows the situation between Arizona and I, but it is still hard to talk about.

"Not well."

I lower my gaze to the table. I am still upset about the outcome of Arizona and I's talk. I had hoped to make some progress. Meeting up with Cristina had made me feel optimistic about the entire situation, but that optimism was quickly replaced by disappointment.

"Oh, I'm sorry." There is a small pause, "did you want to talk about it?"

The look in her eyes tells me that she really wants to know, that she genuinely cares.

"Yeah," I take a deep breath, "I tried, Jenna...but it was pointless. She boiled it down to the leg...blamed me for her current situation, again." My voice begins to rise in frustration and I lower it a bit when I notice a couple of people starting to look over at our table. "Arizona acts like it's all about how I didn't care enough about the leg and how I 'chose' to cut off the fucking leg."

"Wow... again?" I'm fairly sure that even Jenna is tired of hearing about the leg, "you guys really didn't talk about anything else?"

"Nope. I felt like I was talking to a shell. She was so fixated on that one thing. Ya know?" Jenna nods her head as she begins to open her yogurt, "I just don't know what to do anymore."

"Well what outcome are you looking for?" I notice that Jenna has lowered her gaze to her hands which are fidgeting with the foil lid to her yogurt cup, "like... are you still trying to save your marriage? You never really said."

I raise my eyebrow, a little confused by her question, "I-I'm not really sure. I mean... for a second while I was there we had a small connection. Arizona let me hold her. But that moment disappeared as soon as it happened. Of course it would be ideal if everything went back to the way it was. I just know that isn't going to happen though."

"So, you don't think-"

I feel my phone buzz in my pocket, an alarm for my upcoming surgery letting me know that I need to head to the OR.

"Hey, uh... I need to head to my ACL reconstruction." I rise from my chair, "wait, aren't you on this one too?"

Jenna nods, "yup. I was just trying to squeeze in a bite to eat before things got hectic."

"Aren't we all? I swear we never get a break." She laughs at my statement as she gathers up her trash, "Why don't we just walk up together?"

Green eyes brighten at the suggestion, "sure thing."

She remains fairly quiet during the walk to the stairwell, only uttering a simple 'thank you' when I hold the door open for her. I pull out my phone as we make our way up the first flight to ensure that I haven't received any important messages from the daycare before I go into my 1-2 hour long surgery.

I notice that Jenna stops in the middle of the stair landing in front of me and I look up from my phone just in time to feel her press her lips against my own. My entire body freezes at the sensation, eyes wide with surprise as my phone drops to the floor, the fragile glass screen cracking easily on the hard surface.

She puts her hands on my waist, bringing me closer by the material of my coat and attempts to push me back against the concrete wall. I force my hands in-between our bodies and shove her away from me. She is an inch or so taller, at least five years younger, and fairly athletic. My efforts do little to stop her.

"Jenna….seriously, back up." .

My words fail to halt her advances as she takes a step forward, attempting to re-initiate the one sided embrace.

"Callie. Just give me a chance," she whispers.

I push her harder this time when she leans in again. The force causes her to almost lose her balance.

"What the fuck are you doing?" my voice is shaking noticeably, but I pin her with a hard glare.

Her darkened eyes now begin to dart nervously as the confidence she initially possessed drains away.

"Callie... I- I thought-"

"You thought what?" I run my hand through my hair and try to fully grasp the situation.

"I thought that maybe- Well... I don't know. I just want you to be happy. I can do that for you."

My bottom lip quivers uncontrollably as a mix of emotions course through my body.

"Jenna... I can't do this to Arizona. Yes, she made a horrible mistake and yes, it is killing me inside but that doesn't mean that I am ready to pack up and jump ship." I pull at the pocket of my lab coat, bringing my pinned ring up to eye level, "do you see this?"

She nods, suddenly looking ashamed.

"This doesn't signify conditional love or limited commitment. This is for better or for worse. She is MY WIFE and I want to make things work. I want our family to stay together."

She nods again, "I'm so sorry..."

"I know. I- I value our friendship, Jenna. I just can't let this go any further than it already has. So, you need to tell me now if you can handle that. I need to know if you are okay with this just being a friendship."

"Yeah... I think that would work."

My pager sounds sharply in the empty stairwell, and I curse as I realize that I am late for my surgery.

"I think it is best that you don't assist on my surgeries day. I will find a replacement, alright?" with that I pick up my ruined cell phone before side stepping the stunned nurse, holding back tears as I begin to walk the rest of the stairs alone.

"We will talk about this, okay?"

She doesn't respond verbally, but I know that she hears me.

My mind is still clouded when I reach the OR and as I make my first cut I am still thinking about what just happened. How could I not have seen that coming? I didn't even think she was into women, let alone into me. I always thought that she was there to help me mend what was broken, to listen as I divulged private information.

I rub my lips together, the skin still a bit tender from Jenna's aggressive assault on them. And though I didn't initiate things, I still feel guilty. I begin to think back to the night of the storm and I wonder how Arizona felt when Lauren came onto her. It is clear that Arizona isn't who she used to be, and I wonder if that played a factor in how she responded...

Thankfully I am performing a routine procedure, my hands practically working on autopilot. Otherwise, I'm sure the 54 year old gentlemen lying on my operating table wouldn't be too appreciative of my wandering thoughts.

A tap on my shoulder snaps me out of my daze and Jenna's last minute replacement points toward the observation room which I assumed would be empty for such a simple operation. Karev is standing near the glass, his finger pressing down on the intercom button.

"Torres, I need to talk to you."

My mouth is covered by my surgical mask, but I'm sure that my eyes are portraying my disbelief.

"Karev, I am kind of in the middle of a surgery."

He rolls his eyes in frustration, "I can see that. I said I need to speak with you."

I begin to hear inquisitive murmurs from my surgical team. Everyone in the hospital associates me with drama now, and I can't stand it.

"Karev... this is my OR. I will not jeopardize a patient because you chose to interrupt me for-"

"Dammit, Callie!"

Alex's palm hits the glass, a loud bang resounding through the room, stopping everyone in their tracks.

"You need to come now."

"What for?"

He takes a deep breath...

"It- It's Arizona..."

_**My wife needs me... **_


	6. Chapter 6

A/N: So, I would have loved to expound more on everything, but as you all know, the premiere is coming up and I want to finish before then. A continuation of this will be posted tomorrow and it will be the final chapter. I began with Callie's perspective and I would like to end it that way. Thank you all for your support and as always, let me know what you want answered / what you want to see as I wrap things up.

Enjoy.

* * *

I sense someone nearby mumbling softly. Whoever it is needs to lighten up on the cheap cologne because my nose is beginning to burn.

My eyes flutter open and slowly focus on Karev. He is staring off into space and nervously biting at his already damaged cuticles. I hate when he does that but I tolerate his disgusting habits in exchange for his genius. There is minimal light in the room yet I can see that my prosthetic is leaning up against the wall next to the bed that I am currently lying in.

Alex's dark eyes flick up to mine when he notices me attempting to sit up from the bed.

"Arizona..." he is up on his feet instantly to help me, "Jesus... are you okay? You scared the shit out of us."

I attempt to speak but my throat is painfully dry, a familiar acidic taste coating my mouth. I manage to let out a small whimper and Karev quickly grabs a Styrofoam cup filled with water, urging me to drink. The cool sensation is a well received contrast to the searing pain blazing through what is left of my leg.

"...Us?" I finally croak out a one word response after crunching loudly on a piece of ice.

Before he can reply the door behind him opens and my eyes widen as Callie enters the room, glancing down the hallway before closing the door behind her. She looks surprised to see that I am awake, simply standing there awkwardly holding three foil wrapped items in her hands.

Callie looks good. Her hair is beautifully layered, appearing to be freshly cut. Her skin is remarkably radiant and as always I love the way that she rolls her lab coat up on her tanned arms.

Karev clears his throat and I realize that I have been staring for far too long and immediately divert my gaze. I just know that I must seem pathetic to her... that what ran through my mind as I got ready for work this morning is undoubtedly true...

_**My breath still reeked of bitter wine as I reached for my toothbrush, wincing at the persistent ache in my partial limb.**_

_**I'd woken up with my cheek pressed against the stained carpet and a dull pain in my jaw from clenching my teeth so hard. I must have passed out from the intensity of the pain because the last thing I remember is sobbing and begging aloud to no one in particular for it all to stop, for my body to just go numb.**_

_**Seeing Callie the previous evening had brought about a mix of emotions. On one hand I was happy that she had decided to come without Sofia, somewhat hopeful that our conversation would actually be constructive. On the other hand, however, I was angry with the world because I no longer saw myself as someone who fit into the perfect life that we had struggled to build for ourselves.**_

_**Looking back, it would have been easier to just talk things out with Callie, to let her know about my depression, my drinking, and my inability to emotionally cope with the aftermath of the crash. Instead I had let the situation get out of control. I had chosen to cheat and to cover up how I truly felt, hoping that it would all just eventually go back to normal.**_

_**As I looked over my quickly deteriorating body in the mirror, I cringed at the dark circles forming under my eyes and the way in which my ribs protruded from my body. I doubted if Callie even considered me worth the effort anymore, and the thought of her giving up on me made me want to purge the non-existent contents of my stomach.**_

_**Instead, I limped back to the room and found the remnants of an old bottle of wine that I'd hid under the bed in my hotel room.**_

_**A glass or two wouldn't hurt.**_

Callie walks over and hands one of the wrapped items in her hand to Alex before leaning down and whispering in his ear. He quickly gathers his things and moves toward the door, thanking her for what I now know is a sandwich.

"Uh... I'll be back soon, boss. I'm gonna go..." he incoherently mumbles some task that he needs to do. I'm fairly sure that he just needed an excuse to leave us alone together.

As the door shuts behind him, my eyes return to the linoleum flooring. I have no clue what I'm supposed to say.

Callie is the first to break the silence.

"...do you even remember what happened, Arizona?" the hurt in her voice is undeniable.

"No. Not really..." I only remember bits and pieces.

_**The doors to the hospital slid open and I limped in unsteadily. I was slightly intoxicated and had opted to ride to work in a cab just to be safe. There were no scheduled surgeries for me to perform for the day and I figured that I could get Karev to handle anything serious that came in unexpectedly. He loved getting in on the action anyway.**_

_**I was hoping to lock myself in my office and finally tackle some of the paperwork that had piled up on my desk.**_

_**Well, that was the plan...**_

_**But something in me wanted to confront Callie. I had consumed just enough liquid courage to tell her how I actually felt, to tell her that I hadn't really wanted her to leave my hotel room the previous night. I'd wanted her to continue holding me, to stay as I slept peacefully for the first time in what seemed like forever.**_

_**Maybe she would take me back...**_

_**I spotted her sitting alone in the cafeteria with her usual cup of coffee and carefully made my way over to her table, attempting to appear fully composed.**_

_**My heart beat faster and faster as I approached, but before I could even make it half way across the room I heard Jenna's distinctive voice calling out my wife's name. My stomach dropped as she set her tray down and began conversing with Callie, a huge smile plastered on her face. They seemed to get along well and I guessed that she was the one Callie turned to now, the one who had the privilege of hearing about all of the things that went on in Callie's life.**_

_**I stood there dazed, watching until Callie looked down at her phone. Seconds later they both stood from the table and made their way down the hallway. My wife opened the door for the attractive scrub nurse as they each disappeared into a nearby stairwell and my eyes stung, warning me of the tears that were threatening to spill from them. My hand immediately went to my leg, the endless pain suddenly worsened...**_

_**I don't remember what happened after.**_

"Karev said that you came to work smelling like a vineyard. He said that you walked into peds crying hysterically and that he couldn't even make out what you were trying to tell him before you collapsed. Arizona, do you realize that you could have ruined your career if Alex hadn't brought you in here before the rest of the hospital caught wind? I- I was so scared that you were hurt. I got here as fast as I could because I... I-" Callie's voice gives out on her momentarily and she covers her face with her hand. "Arizona, please tell me what's wrong. What can I do...? I'll do anything. I just, I can't-"

"Don't leave me."

"What...?"

"I said... don't leave me, Calliope," my lips tremble uncontrollably as I continue, words leaving my mouth a mile a minute, "I- I saw you with that nurse again earlier today and somehow I'd already gotten it in my head that you might be moving on. You seemed so happy talking to her... you were like you used to be and I assumed-"

"Arizona-"

"No. Please, just listen." She looks at me expectantly with glassy eyes, "... I'm lost without you. I feel like I am going crazy every second of the day. I can't sleep because I keep having nightmares about the goddamn crash and my leg, it just keeps getting worse. The only thing that ever held me together was you, Calliope. Don't you see that? It was you. I can't lose you... I can't lose you because if I do... I'm afraid... I'm afraid I won't make it. I won't-"

Tears pour from my eyes, a loud sob escaping my lips before I can finish. I don't see her, but I feel the bed dip under her weight and strong arms closing tightly around me. My face presses against her lab coat, tears quickly soaking into the fabric. I try to speak again but Callie shushes me, rubbing her hand against my back until she can feel that my breathing is under control again.

"Hey, I'm not going anywhere, Arizona. I'm not going to leave you."

My voice is still unsteady... "promise? Please promise me..."

"I promise."

We sit there for at least an hour, simply listening to each other breathe as Callie rocks back and forth with me still in her arms. The smell of her perfume calms me, and for the first time in a long time I feel completely safe. I almost forget about everything... about the pain... the crash... Lauren... I just don't want this moment to end...

"Come back home."

My head snaps up, "wait... what did you just say?"

"I... I want you to come back home, Arizona."

_**Maybe there is hope after all...**_


	7. Chapter 7

A/N: I would have loved to add more but it was kinda hard to write this in one day (a few hours really) and get it posted before premiere day. I want to thank everyone who reviewed and everyone who encouraged me as well as **ecstacythrumusic **for beta'ingand my girlfriend for putting up with my brainstorming.

I hope you guys enjoy the ending.

* * *

_**"... I'm lost without you. I feel like I am going crazy every second of the day. I can't sleep because I keep having nightmares about the goddamn crash and my leg, it just keeps getting worse. The only thing that ever held me together was you, Calliope. Don't you see that? It was you. I can't lose you... I can't lose you because if I do... I'm afraid... I'm afraid I won't make it."**_

I felt like my heart was shattering as those words poured from Arizona's mouth. I had no idea that she was going through so much pain, that she was so lost and defeated. I knew things were hard but I'd just assumed that she was experiencing the exact same agony that I experienced every time I set foot in our empty apartment, or thought back to the night of the storm.

**_I didn't know that it had gotten this bad..._**

"I- I want you to come back home, Arizona."

A shaky voice fills the small space and I am shocked to realize that this time it is my own. My brain had failed to keep up with the movement of my mouth, allowing a pent up confession to escape full lips. Blue eyes look up at me in disbelief and I can tell that they are searching for signs of uncertainty, waiting for me to reveal that this was all a cruel joke, a brief lapse in usually sound judgement.

My hand continues to rub soothing circles along the small of her back and I maintain eye contact, waiting for a response... some sort of reaction or acknowledgement... anything...

I feel her seemingly frail body begin to tremble uncontrollably in my arms and the warmth of tears against my skin as she buries her face into the crook of my neck, exhaling loudly. I notice the tightness in her muscles beginning to dissipate as if my request had magically lifted a crushing weight from slender shoulders.

"Thank you, Calliope. Thank you so much," her words are muffled.

I cringe slightly at her gratitude, finding it weird to hear my own wife thanking me for wanting her back in _our_ home. I'd rather her promise that she will be open with me from now on. I want to hear her tell me all of things she is struggling with so that we can overcome them together, to know that she is okay... that _we_ will eventually be okay.

"Arizona, look at me."

She lifts her face from my neck and I am met with reddened eyes.

"I don't want you to thank me. I want you to promise me that we will do this together, that we will mend our relationship together. I'm not saying it is going to be easy, but I am saying that I am willing to try. I am willing to rebuild my trust in you as long as you are willing to be open with me and trust me in return."

"I am, Calliope. I promise."

"And... I've been thinking that... maybe we should consider professional help."

I feel her tense up again.

Arizona has never been one to look to strangers for help. Honestly, it took her awhile to even trust me enough to come to me when she was having any issues at the beginning of our relationship. She has been independent since taking her first steps, one who always wants to try and figure things out alone before thinking about reaching out to others for assistance.

But I just don't see any other way at this point...

I can almost hear the wheels turning in her head, I see her defined jaw tensing slightly.

"Do you genuinely believe that would be best?"

"I...I don't know. But, whatever we've done in the past hasn't worked. We both have our own faults that make working through tough situations almost impossible, Arizona. Sometimes I push too much and sometimes you hold too many things in. I just think it would be in our best interest if we had someone there to moderate, someone with training. I mean, it's not just my decision. I wanted to put it out there though. Ya know and if you don't like it we can always try another angle... we can do like a trial run or...or-"

"Callie. Stop." Arizona grabs my hand and squeezes it lightly, "we will do counseling. You don't have to try and convince me, Calliope. I will do whatever it takes to prove to you that I am serious about our life, our marriage."

"Yeah?"

"Yeah..."

The look on her face is something I haven't seen in awhile. I feel her lean in towards me and notice when her eyes flick to my lips for a split second. As she inches closer, I am tempted to close my eyes but just before our lips meet, I turn away...

"Oh... I uh- I actually brought some food from the deli across the street. You should probably eat. It'll help you regain some of your strength." I try to hide the nervousness in my voice.

She nods in response to my suggestion, a deep sigh indicating her disappointment as she slowly pulls herself from our embrace. My hands graze over her sides as we untangle ourselves and for the first time I notice exactly how small she has become. Arizona has never been a large woman by any means, but her obsession with powdered donuts and Oreos had always kept her at a pretty healthy weight.

"When's the last time you ate something, Arizona...?"

"Uh, I don't know," she refuses to meet my eyes, her voice lowering to a whisper, "S-Saturday... maybe."

Today is Tuesday. Her admission makes me nauseous, but I decide that I shouldn't press any further. I unwrap her sandwich before placing it in her lap, standing from the bed and taking a seat in the desk chair that Karev had moved next to the bed earlier.

Arizona takes a tentative first bite.

"This is good," I smile widely as she struggles to talk with her mouth full, "...just so you know... it's because I couldn't keep anything down. It's not like I didn't try to eat."

She must have sensed my concern.

"I know, Arizona."

I grab my own food and begin eating. I try to think of a way that I can take our thoughts away from our 'almost kiss'. It's not like I didn't want to, but I just don't think we should rush into things. We just decided to try to work everything out and I figure that it would only be detrimental if we immediately jumped back into intimacy. Intimacy requires trust and we have so much to talk through before we reach that point. Lauren, the crash, my encounter with Jenna, the pain in Arizona's leg, her drinking... the list goes on.

"Ya know, Sofia will be happy to know that you're coming back. Things haven't been the same for her since you left. Apparently I'm not a good enough story teller..."

Arizona smiles at the mention of our daughter, "I guess I'll have to make it up to her then, huh?"

"Yup." I look at my watch, "but you can start by coming with me to pick her up from daycare. I can already imagine the look on her face when we both show up to take her home."

"I can't wait."

We quickly finished our lunch and I began gathering our things as Arizona fastened her prosthetic. Today, we would be going home together. It felt good to say 'home' again and be referring to the place that we would both be returning to.

_**And I know that there will be many nights to come when the conversations aren't as easy, when all I will want to do is yell, scream, and cry. There will be nights when I flash back to the night of the storm, or when Arizona will shut me out again and hide her true feelings.**_

**_I know all of this, and despite that, I still want to try and fix us._**

**_Some may look at me and say that they would have handled things differently, they may say that I let her back in too easily or that I didn't make her pay for what she had done. But what they don't realize is that any pain I inflict on her, will only come back to hurt me. Arizona and I may be individuals but at the end of the day, we are one... united by a promise._**

**_She is so ingrained in my mind, body, and spirit that it is impossible to imagine myself living in her absence._**

**_I know from experience when it is better for me to cut my losses. I know that sometimes it is not even worth the effort to try and mend a seemingly broken relationship._**

**_But that isn't the case with us._**

**_So as I look back at all those nights when I tossed and turned, constantly asking myself over and over..._**

**_'how do I let go?'_**

**_I realize that the answer was right in front of my face the entire time..._**

**_I can't._**

* * *

A/N II: Is it over? Yes that was the plan. But if there is interest in me flashing forward to them working things out...I will do it. I just didn't think anyone would be interested once the show actually started. What I write is up to y'all. Thanks again.


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